By Dexter
A long time ago (3.5 months, to be precise), in a galaxy far, far away (San Clemente), my father bestowed upon me my first lightsaber. It was then that I heard my one true calling in life: to become a
vigilante blood spatter analyst for Miami Metro PD Jedi Master. I'm a homegrown Jedi-in-training, honing my skills where and when I can, but always with my favorite young Padawan, Obi Wan Q-Nobi.
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| The Force is round and chubby with this one. |
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| Jediz n the Hood. |
Don't get me wrong, I understand that becoming a Jedi Master typically requires hard work and years of dedicated service for the average folk, but I'm the Dex, and I ain't got time for that. To fast-track my training, I set my coordinates for a far away star system known as Disneyland, where seasoned Jedi Masters could complete my training (and leave me enough time for a few train rides around the park).
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| Twirling my lightsaber. Boom. |
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| Using the Force. Snap. |
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| How's my form? |
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| Perfect. Now, join the Dark Side. |
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| Nope. |
While the other hopeless students were listening to and dutifully obeying instructions, I was putting on a lightsaber show like none the galaxy has ever seen.
Things were moving long swimmingly. I was clearly the runaway star of my Jedi class, using the Force here, flinging it there, spinning my lightsaber round and round till the sun went down, etc., when out of nowhere....
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| Stormtroopers! Nuts. |
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| Darth Vader?! Crap. |
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| NINJA DARTH MAUL?!?! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! |
The final test in my training had arrived. I had to act fast and furiously (we had to get to the Dumbo ride before the line got too long). Instincts took over and I sprung into action.
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| So, can we talk about this? |
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| No? Step aside, little Jedi lady. I got this. |
Our final battle, while delayed by a few lightsaber-related technical difficulties, was epic and wrought with lethal fighting skills. Viewer discretion is advised.
After mauling Darth Maul and sending Vader crying for his mommy, I received my official Jedi diploma, which I paraded on a victory tour around Disneyland, the last stop on which was with none other than my all-time number one hero.
May the Force be with you all....
